Words to Live By

Somber Mood

My brother has recently gotten me hooked on the band Mumford and Sons. They are an English folk rock band. To tell the honest truth, I'm sort of having a love affair with them. To say i'm obsessed would be about right. There is something about the lyrics that I just get lost in. They are so poetic and deep. I actually find the folkiness (if they is even a word) somewhat soothing even with the melancholy that surrounds the lyrics. Little Lion Man was the song Chris played for me that got me hooked. I find myself playing it over and over and even singing it at the top of my lungs from time to time. Who knew that singing "fucked" over and over was quite enjoyable ;) Actually, I listen to the entire album on repeat, and there are not many albums I can do that with. This probably does not help me in my quest for happiness by loving a band whose songs are full of depression and death, but oh well.

Little Lion Man

Weep for yourself, my man,
you'll never be what is in your heart
weep little lion man,
you're not as brave as you were at the start
rate yourself and rake yourself,
take all the courage you have left
wasted on fixing all the problems
that you made in your own head

but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?
didn't I, my...

tremble for yourself, my man,
you know that you have seen this all before
tremble little lion man,
you'll never settle for any of your scores
your grace is wasted in your face,
your boldness stands alone among the wreck
learn from your mother or else spend your days biting your own neck

but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?

but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?
didn't I, my dear?

but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?

but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?
didn't I, my dear?

Beginning of Something New

"For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin-real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. Happiness is a journey, not a destination." - Souza

I saw this magnent (Quotable Quotes) at Borders today. I have this sort of obsession with quotes and with song lyrics. I always get drawn in and find myself connecting these quotes and lyrics with events, people, etc. So when I saw the Quotable Quotes display by the journals, I knew I had to stop and look. As I am reading, I stummble across this quote. I had to immediately stop reading. I have been talking for a long time now that I need to make some changes in my life, but I always find excuses for why this isn't the right time. I have also found myself not particularly happy in my life. I can't pinpoint why I am not happy, well most of you can make a few guess, but I have just felt like I have been in a major slump lately. I haven't been satisfied at work. I know I am hitting what teacher's refer to as the "5 Year Slump" but I am only at year 4. I just don't find myself with the passion and drive that I have had in years past. It has even gotten to the point where I am thinking of other job options. I have also found myself gaining back all the weight I worked really hard to lose. I justify it as stress brought on by the situtation with my mom. It is true that since Feb of 2009 I have been putting the weight back on. It seems like every week though, always on Sunday nights, I am like this stops now. Tomorrow I will start all over and by dinner on Monday I have made a bad decision and decide that I will start the next week. I think we all go through this but it has seriously become a problem. At least I can admit that. I can't even count how much money I have wasted on Jazzercise and Weight Watchers over the past couple of years and haven't fully committed. Self sabotage is a nasty thing. I know how unhappy I am with my appearance and how terrible I feel but yet, I can't seem to make myself do it. It seems like I am afraid to allow myself to be happy. Well that and the fact that it is also not easy. I am one of those people who needs instant gratification and weight loss isn't something that happens with the snap of a finger. It takes a lot of hard work, and I think that I pefer things that are easy. Maybe I stay overweight because it is easy and because it tastes better. Horrible rationale I know. I am really hoping to win this battle. At least I know that I can do it, because I have done it before, and I know what I feel like and what I can look like. Another unhappiness in my life comes from my life here in Kansas. I can say that I really am much happier living in Lawrence over KC, but I just feel like I need a change of scenery. I miss San Antonio and my San Antonio friends so much right now. I guess I just feel a general disconnect to my friends up here right now, and to tell the honest truth I am hurt, sad, and incredibly upset over my fallout with Stacey. Everyone else seems so happy that we are no longer speaking, but I can't lie, I do miss her. I don't even know where to begin with my mom, so I am not even going to touch that topic tonight. All I know is that happiness is something I am lacking right now. So after reading this quote at the bookstore, and I found myself deciding to do something for myself that would make me happy, even if just temporarily. I bought a book for pleasure reading, something I haven't had time to do in forever. I also found myself walking to Starbucks where I enjoyed a pumpkin spiced latte and my book. I read the entire book today. For once, I had a moment of happiness. I did something that I wanted to do and not becuase I had to. However that happiness was short lived when I got back to my car and saw the bags of school work I neglected this weekend. Anyway, the point of this blog, point of this entry, is that I am not going to wallow in self pitty any longer. My life is in my hands and I am ultimately in charge of my happiness or lately unhappiness. I need to stop thinking about doing stuff to make me happy and just do it. NO MORE SELF SABOTAGE!!!!!!